


record-spinner (or: an abridged history of sharks)

by presumenothing (justjoy)



Series: fma fics [4]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Post-Canon, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25842586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justjoy/pseuds/presumenothing
Summary: “In case you’ve forgotten, Brother, Amestrisislandlocked on all fronts.”“There’s gotta be a sharksomewherearound.”“There really doesn’t,” Al disagrees, which is about as far as he gets before Roy clears his throat pointedly.For the last time,It Must’ve Been Tuesdayis not a suitable title for a biography. No, not even if the Promised Day wasactuallya Tuesday. Dammit, Ed.
Series: fma fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882300
Comments: 5
Kudos: 137
Collections: FMA: S H A R K





	record-spinner (or: an abridged history of sharks)

**Author's Note:**

> for prompt: shark
> 
> my sensible fma writing can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23911006/chapters/57492649). this, on the other hand, is unrepentant and absolute crack because i haven't written that in a hot while and was this close to titling this *jaws theme*

“–and what’s wrong with telling people I got it bit off by a shark, anyway?”

“In case you’ve forgotten, Brother, Amestris _is_ landlocked on all fronts.”

“There’s gotta be a shark _somewhere_ around.”

“There really doesn’t,” Al disagrees, which is about as far as he gets before Roy clears his throat pointedly.

“Not that I object to the visit, but do I want to know why you’re discussing sharks? In my office?”

“Because someone offered to publish an authorised biography,” Al answers at the same time Ed says, “‘Cause it’s the coolest way to lose a leg, see?”

…Roy does not, in fact, see. 

At least the Elrics are feeling charitable enough today to explain it all from the beginning: apparently some publishing house had written to Ed about putting together a biography, never mind that Ed had only read the letter one and a half months late on account of always forgetting to check his mail even whenin town.

(Which is itself because Ed had _finally_ gotten around to setting up a P.O. box in Central rather than just giving his mailing address as Roy’s office, or more rarely the Rockbells’ house if he disliked whoever it was enough to make them suffer the postage charges to Resembool.

Roy is vaguely aware that the process of actually setting up said mailbox had possibly involved Al forging Ed’s signature, but anything that stops his office from receiving Ed’s copious fanmail is fair game as far as he’s concerned.)

Alas, much as he’d like to declare that nothing Edward Elric does these days is his problem short of another coup, Roy still feels obliged to exercise _some_ amount of responsibility over all this. “Do let the publisher know to send a copy of the draft to my office once it’s finished, if they haven’t regretted their decision by then. We’ll need to take a look before they release anything.”

Ed frowns so hard they can probably see it from Aerugo. “Yeah? What for? You’ve not even the boss of me.”

“A fact I thank the stars for every day,” Roy says dryly. “But despite your current civilian status, any accounts that touch on your time in the military still need to be cleared by our Public Relations office before it can be officially released. So I’m afraid any shark stories are out,” he concludes firmly, as if the entire latter half hadn’t possibly been a blatant lie.

It sounds plausible, and they’ve all been well-acquainted with toeing the official line even since before the Promised Day, but – look, retirement from Amestris’ military isn’t exactly _common_ , okay? Roy really can’t be blamed for not knowing how much of this applies to ex-officers; he’ll have to get Falman to look into it.

Or maybe he can just convince Riza to back him up when push comes to shove. Ed’s far less likely to call her bluff than his, which is just a depressing thought all around.

“Dammit, at least let me say Bradley was keeping the shark as a pet or something,” Ed mutters, but fortunately he seems to have given up on that for now… though Roy realises a moment later that it’s only because he’d gotten caught by another idea. “Anyway, I have a whole bunch of ideas for the title! Wanna hear them?”

“Please don’t,” Al says, despairing and a little wild-eyed as he turns to Riza. “Hearing the whole list once was more than enough.”

“I’ll have to trust Alphonse’s judgement on this one,” Riza says gravely, and Roy is pretty sure he sees Ed wilt from the antenna down.

He decides to circle back to the previous topic. “Why don’t you just tell them what actually happened with your leg?”

“What, and make people think that human transmutation is the fast route to becoming some kind of alchemy genius? Truth would give me back my Gate just so they could slap me right back out again.” Ed grimaces. “Besides, I don’t need those desk jockeys from PR to tell me how it’d look, since it’s semi-public record that you were the one who recruited me and all.”

Roy’s out of practice dealing with the Elrics’ thought processes; it takes him a moment to register that swerve in the conversation. “I didn’t know you cared about my career outlook, Edward.”

Ed snorts. “Please. Just because I ignore politics doesn’t mean I don’t know shit about ‘em. Besides, you can always put that stuff in your biography when you make Fuhrer, then Truth can kick _your_ ass instead.”

Then Ed reaches into a pocket, and none of them (besides Al, judging from his expression) realise what’s happening until too late.

“I’ve even got a list of book titles for you too!” Ed declares as Al claps his hands firmly over his ears. “ _Putting the Lame In Flame: How I Got My 520 Cenz Back._ ”

“Brother,” Al sighs.

“ _Exploding Snap,_ ” Ed suggests with unholy glee, and Roy buries his head in his hands.

**Author's Note:**

> al: please, brother, people here and by which i mean way more than just amestris know that i’m related to you
> 
> ed: let me live, al
> 
> ed: and by live i mean title my biography "the quartermetal non-alchemist”
> 
> -
> 
> (joke credit to [tumblr user thornsword](https://thornsword.tumblr.com/post/182539864766) because i can only aspire to be one-eighth as funny)


End file.
